Horroscopes that say it all

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)  You have an inventive mind and are inclined to
   be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are
   inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the
   same mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)  You have a vivid imagination and often think
   you are being followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor
   influence over your associates, and people resent you for
   flaunting your power.  You lack confidence and are generally a
   coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19)  You are the pioneer type and hold most people
   in contempt.  You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of
   advice.  You are not very nice.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)  You are practical and persistent.  You have a
   dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people think you
   are stubborn and bullheaded.  You are a Communist.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/20)  You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  Most
   people like you, as you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined
   to expect too much for too little.  In other words, you are cheap.
   Geminis are known for committing incest.

Cancer (6/21 - 7/22)  You are sympathetic and understanding to other
   people's problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always
   putting things off; that's why you'll never make anything of
   yourself.  Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22)  You consider yourself a born leader.  Others
   think you are just pushy.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are vain
   and dislike honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.
   Leo people are thieves.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)  You are the logical type and hate disorder.
   This nit-picking is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and
   unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love.
   Virgos make good bus drivers.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22)  You are the artistic type and have a difficult
   time with reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely
   gay.  Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent.
   Most Libra women are good prostitutes.  All Libras die of
   venereal disease.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21)  You are shrewd in business and cannot be
   trusted.  You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of
   your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)  You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
   You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack
   talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers.
   People laugh at you a great deal.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)  You are conservative and afraid of taking
   risks.  You don't do much of anything; you are lazy.  There has
   never been a Capricorn of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid
   standing still for too long, as they take root and become trees.